One Year Stage IV

Yesterday marked one year since I got that phone call saying my cancer had returned.  All I can remember is thinking, I may have even said but it was a haze, that I didn't want to die.  This disease has a way of truly realizing your mortality, and especially living with breast cancer for four years now, and seeing many women die from it scares the shit out of me.  I understand that no one will live forever, but I had just turned 30 and wanted to see my boys grow up, make mistakes, find love, and work through the hard times in their lives.

That phone call was absolutely horrible.  It stole what should have been a few more very uncomfortable, heartburn filled, stretch mark growing, feet and body swelling couple of weeks.  Instead I got to meet my boys five days later.  If there is anything good about it, is meeting them sooner then we thought.

The past week or two have been hard for me.  The anxiety of this impending date was building up. Cancer never asks you when a good time for it to come over is, it just invades your body and wreaks havoc on everything, trying to kill you.  It is that friend that everyone has that comes into their house, goes through it like a tornado, making a complete mess, then leaves you with the cleanup.  I didn't know how I was going to be, so three panic attacks, lots of sleepless nights, not really feeling myself, and just feeling absolutely alone made this anniversary the hardest one I've ever had.

When you're "done" with treatment that is when the real shit starts.  People want you to be back to normal, or whatever "normal" truly is, and finding your place back in this world is just so hard.  It is my biggest struggle.  I tend to go into myself when I am going through this so I am sorry for delayed messaging, texting or flaking on plans.  I guess I didn't realize what a hold this anniversary and my anxiety with it had on me.

This year has taught me a lot.  There are so many amazing people out there.  Family and friends came together to help Chad, the boys and I out.  Meals, babysitting, formula, clothes, kind words and just an open ear to listen to when I felt I was in a dark place.  We are so grateful.  We also learned there are complete assholes out there, but thus is life.  People will truly never understand what you're going through, and the ones that do not have empathy, well I learned that sometimes people are just unhappy and nothing can help them.

This by far has been the fastest year of my life, and I am grateful for my boys (hubby included) in being the biggest, baddest support system a girl could have.

I am forever blessed for my Oncologist and advancements in science that the medicine Kadcyla was created that killed the cancer that was on my sternum, in my lungs, on the lymph nodes behind my sternum and the lymph nodes in my neck.  With that, along with a hysterectomy I was able to get to NED in just a few short months.  I'll take horrible hot flashes any day over my cancer.

I try not to focus on what Google says about Stage IV breast cancer, because frankly yes I have it.  It is terminal.  The average life expectancy is 30-ish months, but some people live much much longer, have full lives, and others do not.  With that said, I am just trying to live my dash, make as many memories as I can, because honestly although I have cancer, and it has taken so much from me, it is not going to take away my spark.

xo Peace and Love and thanks for letting me ramble.

11 Months!



Will and Sam here! We turned 11 months old on the 4th of July! We cannot believe in one month we will be a whole year old!

 

We went to our first parade...it was HOT and we were exhausted!

LIFE. IS. ROUGH.

 

 Mom and dad had us dedicated earlier this month.  It was so fun to spend time with all of our family and friends!



 

We are getting into everything....

Well mostly Willy...

Bath time is so much more fun now that we aren't stuck in that small baby tub!

On a side note I had my first PET scan since chemo and am still in remission! Yay us!  I'm going to a different hospital now for them and it is actually easier to navigate to and a lot more comfortable!

The room is much larger then the small closet I had to wait in before!

Me before anxiety meds....

and how I felt once the meds kicked in....

So blessed! <3

 

10 Months!

Will and Sam here, we turned 10 months old last Sunday and life is pretty fun over here!

 

We are super mobile, and SO quick so the only way mom and dad can contain us is either in our cribs or in our highchairs (until we figure a way out).

You got any food over there mom?

Seriously lady, stop with the pictures and feed me.

 

And I just love this pic of Sam.  Most people when they see him he's "old man Sam" and grumpy, but I feel like this one is totally him! <3

This month was filled with lots of snuggles, some tears, and lots of laughs!

I rang in my 31st birthday with these two loves (the hubby was out of town on a work conference)!

My first mother's day happened and the boys made me the most amazing gift ever!

We took the boys to the Wisconsin Dells for their first trip away and we of course had to go to Paul Bunyan's for breakfast!

Willy ate is first bug.  A June bug.  Needless to say that was quite the experience not knowing it was a June bug and pulling it out. I'll spare the details, but I was gagging and Willy was laughing hysterically. *gross*

And the most amazing thing happened.  We have the one last embryo and Tracie said she would help us!  Blessed, excited, nervous, happy, jumping up and down, relieved, just ah... doesn't even begin to explain the amazingness of her doing this for us and the support from her family! <3 Once we figure things out obviously we will post/blog about it! Right now we are in the very beginning stages of figuring out the timeline and all of that fun stuff!

9 Months!

We turned 9 months old on the fourth, but mom has been busy and we have been eating like horses and crawling EVERYWHERE, so we haven't had time to post anything until today!

 We are so silly.

We are growing fabulously, eating lots, haven't had any allergies to anything we've eaten and love playing with our sisters (our pups)!

Willy thinks eating is a big party!

They got their shots yesterday, and after some tears were smiling and happy again....

Or at least Willy was smiling.  Sam is Mr. Serious.

My birthday is tomorrow.  Most people dread birthdays, getting old, wrinkles...not me.  Embrace age, it's something that many aren't afforded the opportunity.

The only thing I can't stand is grey hair and bad drivers.  

8 Months!

We turned 8 months old on Tuesday...Mom was too busy with work to post anything but we guess, better late than never!



We can kind of sit on our own....



But if we get excited this happens...

Food is pretty awesome, but we mostly like chewing on the spoons.

No green milk for us on St. Patrick's Day.... mom was sick and we were getting over our colds so we just snuggled at home and played with our dogs.

 We are having so much fun...Willy has his bottom two teeth in and is crawling EVERYWHERE!  Bathrooms, bedrooms, front doors, under every piece of furniture.  Baby proofing has gone into full effect here!  Sammy crawls when he wants to, I think his motto is "work smarter, not harder!" but he's a little chatter box.  Stories all day long.

7 Months

We are SEVEN months old.  Life is pretty good, we are teething, rolling, grunting, screaming, snuggling and doing a little bit of crawling!  We're sleeping 12-14 hours a night, take one to two naps per day, love mixed veggies and all sorts of fruits!

Willie here, I have a top tooth coming in, am drooling a lot, but I don't really like teething rings....my fingers taste pretty good, so who needs them!

I'm sitting up with assistance, but prefer to get my roll on if I need to go somewhere!

Sammy here, although this picture looks like I have no hair, and am rocking the horseshoe style, probably why I'm "old man Sam"....my hair is coming in pretty good now, maybe someday I might catch up to my bro.  I still only have my one eye tooth coming in, but love chewing on anything and everything.

Mom and dad's friends got us these pretty rockin' hats, Will didn't like his as much as I did.

The weather here in Wisconsin is pretty crazy, we had some super warm days a few weeks ago, so mom and dad took us out for a walk, it was pretty exhausting and we forgot our sun glasses so every time mom would turn a corner the sun would blind us.  Lesson learned and glasses bought.