Friday, August 4, 2017

ONE YEAR!

Happy Birthday to my sweet, sometimes naughty babes! You both make life so worth fighting for! <3 



Here are some of my favorites from the past month! <3



Who doesn't like saving money on formula?







So blessed.

Monday, July 31, 2017

One Year Stage IV

Yesterday marked one year since I got that phone call saying my cancer had returned.  All I can remember is thinking, I may have even said but it was a haze, that I didn't want to die.  This disease has a way of truly realizing your mortality, and especially living with breast cancer for four years now, and seeing many women die from it scares the shit out of me.  I understand that no one will live forever, but I had just turned 30 and wanted to see my boys grow up, make mistakes, find love, and work through the hard times in their lives.

That phone call was absolutely horrible.  It stole what should have been a few more very uncomfortable, heartburn filled, stretch mark growing, feet and body swelling couple of weeks.  Instead I got to meet my boys five days later.  If there is anything good about it, is meeting them sooner then we thought.

The past week or two have been hard for me.  The anxiety of this impending date was building up. Cancer never asks you when a good time for it to come over is, it just invades your body and wreaks havoc on everything, trying to kill you.  It is that friend that everyone has that comes into their house, goes through it like a tornado, making a complete mess, then leaves you with the cleanup.  I didn't know how I was going to be, so three panic attacks, lots of sleepless nights, not really feeling myself, and just feeling absolutely alone made this anniversary the hardest one I've ever had.

When you're "done" with treatment that is when the real shit starts.  People want you to be back to normal, or whatever "normal" truly is, and finding your place back in this world is just so hard.  It is my biggest struggle.  I tend to go into myself when I am going through this so I am sorry for delayed messaging, texting or flaking on plans.  I guess I didn't realize what a hold this anniversary and my anxiety with it had on me.

This year has taught me a lot.  There are so many amazing people out there.  Family and friends came together to help Chad, the boys and I out.  Meals, babysitting, formula, clothes, kind words and just an open ear to listen to when I felt I was in a dark place.  We are so grateful.  We also learned there are complete assholes out there, but thus is life.  People will truly never understand what you're going through, and the ones that do not have empathy, well I learned that sometimes people are just unhappy and nothing can help them.

This by far has been the fastest year of my life, and I am grateful for my boys (hubby included) in being the biggest, baddest support system a girl could have.

I am forever blessed for my Oncologist and advancements in science that the medicine Kadcyla was created that killed the cancer that was on my sternum, in my lungs, on the lymph nodes behind my sternum and the lymph nodes in my neck.  With that, along with a hysterectomy I was able to get to NED in just a few short months.  I'll take horrible hot flashes any day over my cancer.

I try not to focus on what Google says about Stage IV breast cancer, because frankly yes I have it.  It is terminal.  The average life expectancy is 30-ish months, but some people live much much longer, have full lives, and others do not.  With that said, I am just trying to live my dash, make as many memories as I can, because honestly although I have cancer, and it has taken so much from me, it is not going to take away my spark.


xo Peace and Love and thanks for letting me ramble.



Friday, July 7, 2017

11 Months!


Will and Sam here! We turned 11 months old on the 4th of July! We cannot believe in one month we will be a whole year old!

 
We went to our first parade...it was HOT and we were exhausted!



LIFE. IS. ROUGH.

 

 Mom and dad had us dedicated earlier this month.  It was so fun to spend time with all of our family and friends!





 



We are getting into everything....



Well mostly Willy...



Bath time is so much more fun now that we aren't stuck in that small baby tub!



On a side note I had my first PET scan since chemo and am still in remission! Yay us!  I'm going to a different hospital now for them and it is actually easier to navigate to and a lot more comfortable!

The room is much larger then the small closet I had to wait in before!


Me before anxiety meds....


and how I felt once the meds kicked in....


So blessed! <3