Monday, July 31, 2017

One Year Stage IV

Yesterday marked one year since I got that phone call saying my cancer had returned.  All I can remember is thinking, I may have even said but it was a haze, that I didn't want to die.  This disease has a way of truly realizing your mortality, and especially living with breast cancer for four years now, and seeing many women die from it scares the shit out of me.  I understand that no one will live forever, but I had just turned 30 and wanted to see my boys grow up, make mistakes, find love, and work through the hard times in their lives.

That phone call was absolutely horrible.  It stole what should have been a few more very uncomfortable, heartburn filled, stretch mark growing, feet and body swelling couple of weeks.  Instead I got to meet my boys five days later.  If there is anything good about it, is meeting them sooner then we thought.

The past week or two have been hard for me.  The anxiety of this impending date was building up. Cancer never asks you when a good time for it to come over is, it just invades your body and wreaks havoc on everything, trying to kill you.  It is that friend that everyone has that comes into their house, goes through it like a tornado, making a complete mess, then leaves you with the cleanup.  I didn't know how I was going to be, so three panic attacks, lots of sleepless nights, not really feeling myself, and just feeling absolutely alone made this anniversary the hardest one I've ever had.

When you're "done" with treatment that is when the real shit starts.  People want you to be back to normal, or whatever "normal" truly is, and finding your place back in this world is just so hard.  It is my biggest struggle.  I tend to go into myself when I am going through this so I am sorry for delayed messaging, texting or flaking on plans.  I guess I didn't realize what a hold this anniversary and my anxiety with it had on me.

This year has taught me a lot.  There are so many amazing people out there.  Family and friends came together to help Chad, the boys and I out.  Meals, babysitting, formula, clothes, kind words and just an open ear to listen to when I felt I was in a dark place.  We are so grateful.  We also learned there are complete assholes out there, but thus is life.  People will truly never understand what you're going through, and the ones that do not have empathy, well I learned that sometimes people are just unhappy and nothing can help them.

This by far has been the fastest year of my life, and I am grateful for my boys (hubby included) in being the biggest, baddest support system a girl could have.

I am forever blessed for my Oncologist and advancements in science that the medicine Kadcyla was created that killed the cancer that was on my sternum, in my lungs, on the lymph nodes behind my sternum and the lymph nodes in my neck.  With that, along with a hysterectomy I was able to get to NED in just a few short months.  I'll take horrible hot flashes any day over my cancer.

I try not to focus on what Google says about Stage IV breast cancer, because frankly yes I have it.  It is terminal.  The average life expectancy is 30-ish months, but some people live much much longer, have full lives, and others do not.  With that said, I am just trying to live my dash, make as many memories as I can, because honestly although I have cancer, and it has taken so much from me, it is not going to take away my spark.

xo Peace and Love and thanks for letting me ramble.


  1. I hadn't read this when I posted a comment on your most recent entry.
    Dear Carrie, I am shocked to read your cancer has returned. Absolutely shocked. Like you, I've also lost friends to cancer. It feels terrible every time.
    How are you doing now? You've passed the one year mark, which is wonderful. I also see you still have your beautiful curls, so I take it you didn't lose your hair again after all.
    I want you to know that I admire you and love for the beautiful, wonderful, brave person that you are. I wish you so much love and strength and I'm sure you'll survive this thing for a long, LONG time to come. hugs and more hugs. K.