One Year Stage IV

Yesterday marked one year since I got that phone call saying my cancer had returned.  All I can remember is thinking, I may have even said but it was a haze, that I didn't want to die.  This disease has a way of truly realizing your mortality, and especially living with breast cancer for four years now, and seeing many women die from it scares the shit out of me.  I understand that no one will live forever, but I had just turned 30 and wanted to see my boys grow up, make mistakes, find love, and work through the hard times in their lives.

That phone call was absolutely horrible.  It stole what should have been a few more very uncomfortable, heartburn filled, stretch mark growing, feet and body swelling couple of weeks.  Instead I got to meet my boys five days later.  If there is anything good about it, is meeting them sooner then we thought.

The past week or two have been hard for me.  The anxiety of this impending date was building up. Cancer never asks you when a good time for it to come over is, it just invades your body and wreaks havoc on everything, trying to kill you.  It is that friend that everyone has that comes into their house, goes through it like a tornado, making a complete mess, then leaves you with the cleanup.  I didn't know how I was going to be, so three panic attacks, lots of sleepless nights, not really feeling myself, and just feeling absolutely alone made this anniversary the hardest one I've ever had.

When you're "done" with treatment that is when the real shit starts.  People want you to be back to normal, or whatever "normal" truly is, and finding your place back in this world is just so hard.  It is my biggest struggle.  I tend to go into myself when I am going through this so I am sorry for delayed messaging, texting or flaking on plans.  I guess I didn't realize what a hold this anniversary and my anxiety with it had on me.

This year has taught me a lot.  There are so many amazing people out there.  Family and friends came together to help Chad, the boys and I out.  Meals, babysitting, formula, clothes, kind words and just an open ear to listen to when I felt I was in a dark place.  We are so grateful.  We also learned there are complete assholes out there, but thus is life.  People will truly never understand what you're going through, and the ones that do not have empathy, well I learned that sometimes people are just unhappy and nothing can help them.

This by far has been the fastest year of my life, and I am grateful for my boys (hubby included) in being the biggest, baddest support system a girl could have.

I am forever blessed for my Oncologist and advancements in science that the medicine Kadcyla was created that killed the cancer that was on my sternum, in my lungs, on the lymph nodes behind my sternum and the lymph nodes in my neck.  With that, along with a hysterectomy I was able to get to NED in just a few short months.  I'll take horrible hot flashes any day over my cancer.

I try not to focus on what Google says about Stage IV breast cancer, because frankly yes I have it.  It is terminal.  The average life expectancy is 30-ish months, but some people live much much longer, have full lives, and others do not.  With that said, I am just trying to live my dash, make as many memories as I can, because honestly although I have cancer, and it has taken so much from me, it is not going to take away my spark.

xo Peace and Love and thanks for letting me ramble.

11 Months!



Will and Sam here! We turned 11 months old on the 4th of July! We cannot believe in one month we will be a whole year old!

 

We went to our first parade...it was HOT and we were exhausted!

LIFE. IS. ROUGH.

 

 Mom and dad had us dedicated earlier this month.  It was so fun to spend time with all of our family and friends!



 

We are getting into everything....

Well mostly Willy...

Bath time is so much more fun now that we aren't stuck in that small baby tub!

On a side note I had my first PET scan since chemo and am still in remission! Yay us!  I'm going to a different hospital now for them and it is actually easier to navigate to and a lot more comfortable!

The room is much larger then the small closet I had to wait in before!

Me before anxiety meds....

and how I felt once the meds kicked in....

So blessed! <3

 

8 Months!

We turned 8 months old on Tuesday...Mom was too busy with work to post anything but we guess, better late than never!



We can kind of sit on our own....



But if we get excited this happens...

Food is pretty awesome, but we mostly like chewing on the spoons.

No green milk for us on St. Patrick's Day.... mom was sick and we were getting over our colds so we just snuggled at home and played with our dogs.

 We are having so much fun...Willy has his bottom two teeth in and is crawling EVERYWHERE!  Bathrooms, bedrooms, front doors, under every piece of furniture.  Baby proofing has gone into full effect here!  Sammy crawls when he wants to, I think his motto is "work smarter, not harder!" but he's a little chatter box.  Stories all day long.

7 Months

We are SEVEN months old.  Life is pretty good, we are teething, rolling, grunting, screaming, snuggling and doing a little bit of crawling!  We're sleeping 12-14 hours a night, take one to two naps per day, love mixed veggies and all sorts of fruits!

Willie here, I have a top tooth coming in, am drooling a lot, but I don't really like teething rings....my fingers taste pretty good, so who needs them!

I'm sitting up with assistance, but prefer to get my roll on if I need to go somewhere!

Sammy here, although this picture looks like I have no hair, and am rocking the horseshoe style, probably why I'm "old man Sam"....my hair is coming in pretty good now, maybe someday I might catch up to my bro.  I still only have my one eye tooth coming in, but love chewing on anything and everything.

Mom and dad's friends got us these pretty rockin' hats, Will didn't like his as much as I did.

The weather here in Wisconsin is pretty crazy, we had some super warm days a few weeks ago, so mom and dad took us out for a walk, it was pretty exhausting and we forgot our sun glasses so every time mom would turn a corner the sun would blind us.  Lesson learned and glasses bought.

6 Months

Sam and Will here! We are SIX months old.  Time is going by so fast.  We are growing fast, over 16lbs, but will get the official numbers on Monday when we see our doctor for shots!

We are so wiggly and love exploring everything!

We are both teething hardcore and love chewing on our hands.

Even though I'm teething, I love my naps and mom and dad have said that I love to talk in my sleep!

We are eating all sorts of foods.  Mae and June love it because they get to lick our fingers and faces! We love splashing in the tub.  Mom got us an Ottero, which makes bath time SO much fun!

Mom had a follow up with her doctor and brought us with.  We think there was some sort of mix up and she had to have another Kadcyla infusion (her numbers were fine, so why not?)  The pharmacy took forever to get moms meds, but we were so good and all of the nurses had a blast snuggling us.

**My next followup with my doctor is in March and now I am strictly on my daily pill to keep any stray hormones out of my body**  I do have a brain MRI on February 16th to make sure my pesky freckle is the only thing in there, besides a brain.  So positive vibes and prayers are appreciated for a clear/stable scan!!

5 Months

Hey guys, Will and Sam, we are 5 months old, eating a lot and loving life!

Sam here, I'm cutting my first tooth, (my eye tooth, which is pretty unique since most babies get their bottoms in first, but I'm one unique little baby) which is exhausting but I'm always smiling.  I guess my mom's first tooth was her eye tooth...Maybe that is why she calls me her mini.  I'm mesmerized by cartoons, having deep conversations with anyone that will listen and LOVE pulling moms hair.  Mom and dad have been giving me bananas and I love it.  So much better than formula, but I'll take that too!

Will here! I'm finally making more than "one look" and am smiling once in a while...but not very often.  I don't have any teeth coming through yet, but teething is miserable and I'm not happy unless mom or dad are holding me.  At least I'm cute...and a great snuggler.  Like Sam, I love bananas and am so excited to try new foods!!

We recently celebrated our first Christmas! We got to snuggle with so many people!!

We watched our grandma and grandpa get married! How amazing, and hopefully grandpa will finally give us his wings or turkey pumpkin soup recipe!

Life is pretty good with these two, but damn it can slow down! <3

One Year Ago

Last year at this time both my little embryos were thawed and implanted.  Who knew what this next year would bring, although I am overcoming some "minor" hurdles right now I am so absolutely blessed for my sweet baby boys.

4 Months

Hey guys, Sam here! My brother and I are FOUR months old today and life sure is great!  We are laughing a lot, I'm rolling over, and I know Will will soon follow, he is almost there.  We are both drooling a ton, love chewing on anything cold, and mom and dad suspect we are teething.  We get to see the doctor this week to get more shots, at least we get some pretty cool band aids and a nap after!

 

I'm still pretty squirrelly, which makes it hard for mom to get a picture of me!

We had our first Thanksgiving and got to meet so many new faces.  Mom and dad started giving us little tastes of food, yummy yummy in our tummy.

Mom took us and got pictures of us looking like snowmen.....I'm sure mom will use these to embarrass us when we are older.  We love Denise though and she takes amazing pictures of us!

We also got to meet this guy named Santa....hopefully he brings us what we asked for (an El Camino) and mom has nothing to do with that request.

Being elves is exhausting....

***Chemo/Surgery Update***

I get my sixth round of Kadcyla this week, am healing up from my hysterectomy and have a follow up with my surgeon this Thursday.  I'm still puffy feeling and have had a slight bulge at the location where the incision was made so hopefully it's not a hernia and it's just my body taking a little longer to heal.  Granted having a c-section four months ago, and then this surgery less than a month ago, plus chemo and stress, I'd say my body has been through some hell.  I have a PET Scan scheduled for December 27th, with a follow up with my oncologist on the 28th to see if this cocktail knocked out all of the cancer cells.  While based on my numbers and that I haven't had any swelling in my neck since my second round of chemo I am optimistic and hopefully I can meet NED (No Evidence of Disease) and start 2017 on a positive note and get back to work because we all know medical bills don't pay themselves....but I do still have a little scanxiety.