Shots, Shots, Shots

Well, looks like I'm getting a port put back in on Monday.

I had a PET Scan yesterday to see what those pesky cancer cells have been up to.

If you've never been in a portable PET scan, this is the room you percolate in after they juice you up.  It's small, kind of feels like an airplane bathroom, but with heated blankets.

No amount of Ativan could help me when my Oncologist came in and told me that I "lit up" on my sternum, some lymph nodes behind my sternum, a few small nodules in my lungs and the original spot I noticed on my neck.  Fuck.  Fuck. Fuck.  Stage 4.  I have a hard time even saying it.  I kept thinking of everything I have ever done, and what did I do wrong.  It's hard not to, but unfortunately my hormones are crazy.  The hormone suppressing drugs I was on before was keeping it at bay, but when I went off of them to get pregnant, unfortunately that is what happened.  I am just extremely blessed that this happened at the end of my pregnancy, the boys were/are healthy and everything was caught super early.

She cried.  Chad and I cried.  But then she said she had a plan.

• Kadcyla I.V. every 21 days
• XGeva shot monthly
• Goserlin shot monthly
• Tamoxifen *I have never looked more forward to taking a medication*
• Baby Aspirin
• Calcium/Vitamin D
• Follow up PET Scans

My doctor did say something that is amazing:  "Emily, you are going to live a long life"....Doctors don't normally say that in these types of situations unless they are fairly confident.  All of the nodules and lesions are quite small, and nothing has spread to any of my organs (besides my lungs).  With that said, that leaves it relatively easy to treat.  

So with my "I'm not fucking around anymore attitude", through teary eyes, I asked my oncologist when could I start chemo. She asked me when I wanted to so today I got the ball rolling with the Xgeva and Goserlin shots....definitely not the type of shots I am used to.....I'm more a fan of those that are cold and taste good on a hot night, not come through a syringe.  Regardless, I'm officially starting chemo, get my port in Monday morning and get the I.V. of Kadcyla after the ports back in.  On a positive side note, I shouldn't lose my hair, so no Mr. Clean look for this lady.  Although I had some pretty sweet Halloween ideas picked out.  My oncologist made tons of phone calls, and also got the nurses back in infusion to clear a room for Chad, the boys and I, so I could start the injections.  I love them.

And two week old boys don't care if you are in the middle of getting chemo, when they are hungry they need to eat.  So my wonderful, awesome, multi-tasking hubby managed to take care of business! <3

And I will be getting a hysterectomy in a few months.  Once my body is healed enough, I'm going under.  I thoroughly enjoyed every ounce of being pregnant, the growing, the first time I felt the little boys move around, even the stretch marks.  While I had hope to carry the third down the line, it is more important for me to be there for my boys and have them have a mom who will embarrass them at their games.  Doing that is sad for me, because then it will assure that I cannot carry my third little embryo, but I know that with this cancer coming back, as aggressively as it has, I cannot put my life to chance anymore.  So out goes the hormones.  

I am sick and tired of cancer running my life, coming in when all I want to do is snuggle my babies, so I'm putting on my game face and not fucking around anymore.  I am mad.  Beyond mad.  This should be a time where I am having sleepless nights with my little nuggets, watching their smiles, cute grins and changing diapers upon diapers and dodging pee and poop.  While I'm doing ALL of that, I'm also fighting for my life.  I want my boys to remember me and I intend on having it that way.

This is all very raw for me right now, and any prayers or positive juju is well received. <3