Beam Me Up!!

As part of my treatment for my stupid breast cancer, I have to go through Chemo.  Originally my Oncologist thought that it was not mandatory to have a port put in, which I was probably going to do have anyways since my lymph node removal surgery left me with only one good arm.  Then later that day after the meeting with her, she advised me that she was reading through the pathology and noticed that my FISH (Fluorescence In Situ Hybridization) results came back and due to the aggressiveness of the cancer, being HER2+, I HAD to have a port put in because of my treatments after I'm done with Chemo.  Great.  I was bummed because of the fact that I thought getting the port put in was MY choice, and that was taken away from me.  I know it sounds weird that I was going to go with it anyways, but to me I feel it was one more thing that I had to do, not chose to do.

I feel that the farther I get into my treatments and procedures, the less options I have.  Don't get me wrong, my doctors went to school for a long time and I have full faith in them, but I guess I just felt like I didn't have a choice.  I knew going into all of this that I had the "go big or go home" sort of attitude, but I have my moments where I just want to curl up in a ball and forget about all of this and be "normal" again.  All I want is to go back just a few months ago, naïve to all of this cancer talk, when my biggest worry was when is my next off day, what's for dinner, and why didn't the hubs take out the stinkin' garbage...

Well regardless of what I feel, I just keep truckin'....

This past Tuesday I had my port, or what I like to call it my "Communications Badge" (total Star Trek reference) put in.  Unlike my first surgery, where I was scared OUT OF MY MIND about how I was going to feel after, whether I was going to come out of anesthesia, cried like a husband who's fantasy football team just lost and my feelings about the unknown.  Or my second surgery where I wasn't as scared, only cried a little, felt like a million bucks after, but was a little bummed about the lack of movement in my right arm and am working through my chording with lots of massages aka physical therapy.  Or my third surgery, where I DID NOT cry at all, welcomed the awesomeness of anesthesia, but learned the hard way that the anti-nausea patch is the way to go for me otherwise I'm a puking, dry heaving mess the whole way home and the entire way into the house.   OOOORRRRRR my port surgery, where I went in like a champ, came out in recovery a loopy, goofy, funny patient, who was home in time that night for Sons of Anarchy, but had a few rough days after. 

I feel with each surgery I'm figuring out what works, what doesn't and my absolute need for anti-nausea patches (totally recommend by the way for anyone who gets nauseous). <--I'm obviously not a medical professional, but those things are stomach and pain savers because anyone who's had surgery and have thrown up knows what I'm talking about.

So, here I am, five days after my surgery feeling better every day, with my newest accessory!

One thing that I am SO happy about that I did NOT do: Start Chemo the same day that I had my port in.  Originally my Oncologist had brought up doing that, but I am SOOOO thankful it did not work out.  I feel the area was way to sensitive and I already had anesthesia drugs, plus pain meds in me, and by adding the Chemo drugs to the mix might have been a bit of an overload for one day!

A weird thing with the port, and I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive, but I swear I can feel the line going up to my vein sometimes when I move a certain way and if I think about it too much I get kind of weirded out, thus resulting in me feeling kind of nauseous.

Other than my minor downer moments, I'm happy I have one more thing checked off my list.  I did miss calculate my last chemo treatment though, if everything goes to plan, my last treatment should be New Years Eve Day....not Christmas Eve Day like I thought...but nothing has gone to plan for me over the past couple of months, so I'm sure I'll be doing treatments into 2014.  So, FOUR surgeries down, two more to go: Final reconstruction sometime in January/early February and getting this port out sometime next fall!! :) Let's just hope the next year goes fast.

I start Chemo this Tuesday, and while I am anxious about how it will affect me, I am sad about losing my hair.  I know that "it's only hair and it grows back", but I am really sad about it and of everything I've gone through this is the most stressful because then people will know I'm "sick".  I know I'll get over it, like I have with everything else, but its always the anticipation that is the hardest!

P.S: I'm controlling when my hair goes, and I'm...the hubs is shaving it on the 29th....