Monday, October 14, 2013

Chemo #2 & I'm Losing My Mind...and My Hair!

I'm no super hero, I'm going to be honest my first chemo completely kicked my ass.  I always try to put on this brave face, like none of this is affecting me or bothering me, but it does.  I am emotionally and physically drained.

I was so nauseous that even thinking of some foods made me want to puke, but I knew puking wouldn't help, so I didn't.  On top of the nausea, I was tired.  And not the I only got five hours of sleep and now I have to work kind of tired, its the kind of tired where I literally slept for three days, minus about an hour each day and even the thought of getting up to get something or go to the bathroom exhausted me.  I finally started to get my appetite back and got rid of my pukey feeling about seven to eight days after my treatment.  Perfect.  I only had a few days of feeling "normal" before I'd be out for the count again.

I was actually getting sick the day or two before my next chemo and dreading it because I was anticipating how many days I was going to waste sleeping and feeling sick.  The day of my next chemo I put on my big girl pants, sucked it up and went in.  The hubs and I were celebrating his birthday the night before with family so I was a little "tired" (which probably helped my anxiety the morning of) because we were having a few cocktails with them.  Yes.  I know that chemo+alcohol=not the best mix, BUT that Monday night I hadn't felt that good in a VERY long time and well frankly they were going down nice.  I thought that would be the end of me and I would be feeling it with my treatment, but surprisingly I didn't and I also decided to try things different this time around.  I put on an anti nausea patch the morning of my treatment, where I didn't the last time, and took a Claritin to help with my headaches.  Both of which helped HUGE with my nausea in the following days.  I also was NOT nearly as tired this time around and got my appetite back quicker then I did the last time.  I am going to contribute that to the cocktails I had the night before...I mean the anti nausea patch and the fact that I think my body is adjusting to the chemo meds.

The ONLY complaint that I have is my head hurts.  It's not the headache type of hurt, it literally feels like I have bruises all over my head.  It hurts to touch it, wearing a hat is almost unbearable at times and sleeping has been terrible.  My pillow cases even hurt my head.  I woke up two days ago and scratched the back of my head and realized that I had a good chunk of hair in my hand.  I started to rub the parts of my head that didn't hurt nearly as much and was getting hand fulls of hair each time.

I asked my favorite infusion nurse Lara if it's normal for the amount of pain I'm having on my head and she hasn't heard anything to my extent from other patients.  Go figure. My luck.  Before my hair started to fall out, I, for some reason was under the impression that it either A. Wouldn't hurt when it fell out. and/or B. Would all fall out at one time like petals on a flower. (All at once)  I can dream right?

This is what my head looked like the first day I started to officially lose my hair:

My hair line by my forehead is definitely thinning....

hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain
Nice crop circle hey?  I didn't realize I was doing it but I was actually pulling out patches of my hair and that's the pattern I got.  Lovely. 

hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain



hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain



hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain

And drum roll please...on day two of my hair loss my head looks like a damn leopard....





hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain



hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain
hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain
hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain

hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain















The ONLY relief I get is when I wash my head with warm water.  I found that it helps the hair come out and relieves the pain, but tons and tons of my hair falls out.  Below is one example and I get about that much each time I rub my head...


hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain

hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain

hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain


This is what my head looked like after washing my hair on the end of day two.....


hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain

hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain
And...I had a total and complete melt down...I felt ugly.  It probably didn't help that it was the same day as mine and the hubs' six year wedding anniversary, he had to work, I got really nauseous and dizzy at my moms, then again once I got home, I feel deformed because my "boobs" I feel look awkward and now I have weird crop circles all over my head.  Frankly, I don't feel pretty, or like a woman, I feel like a damn alien.  But I reassure myself that this IS only TEMPORARY, and I should be grateful because there are many out there dealing with much worse than I.

This morning I woke up still feeling like crap.  I was so dizzy, nauseous and I just did NOT feel right.  I know chemo isn't supposed to make you feel normal, but this is unlike any feeling I have felt.  I called my doctor and they told me to come in and get some fluids, anti nausea meds and steroids.  Those combined with sleep and some food and I think I'm back to feeling good again.

Here is the finale of my three days so far of hair loss.  I took a shower tonight because my head AGAIN was throbbing so after one shower and washing my head three times:





So like I do with ALL my DIY projects:

Day 1:

hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain
Day 3:

hair loss because of chemo, breast cancer, chemotherapy, pain
It's kind of weird...being at this stage now of having blotchy crop circles all over my head and now my reverse Mohawk baldness going on, this is WAY more stressful and almost depressing then actually shaving it....if I only knew then what I know now.....

I'm just hoping I can be totally bald by this weekend.  At the rate that I'm losing it I'm thinking I'll look like Mr. Clean in no time! :)

14 comments:

  1. My scalp was quite tender right after my hair came out, but it does settle down over time. And depending on which chemo drug cocktails you're on, you may find - if there's a switch to a different combination half way through - that the second cocktail doesn't damage hair follicles and your hair starts to grow back after about month 4 or so. Also, maybe you could treat yourself to a silk pillowcase ... I'm told they are wonderfully soothing!

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  2. My scalp HURT also when my hair was coming out. It didn't help that after chemo, I would get a little peach fuzz and then go through it all again when it started to fall out. I did the same thing with warm water. I know you may not feel it, but you really are beautiful my sister warrior!! Stay strong

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  3. Emily, you are so brave. I found your blog via a Google+ community search and ended up reading several entries. I am currently on week 2 of my first chemo round (epirubicin + cyclophosphamide) and will start round 2 on June19th. 4 of those every 2 weeks, followed by 12 weekly Taxol. I expect my hair to fall out in 10 days :( I'm scared and have also been feeling absolutely terrible from the first chemo round. Never expected so many side effects. You're an inspiration. Thank you for posting these candid photos.
    I went through more or less the same thing, had 1 skin sparing mammectomy with DIEP flap reconstruction (terribly scar over my belly, but very good result with the boob), LNR (only sentinel affected, all other 12 removed glands cancer free)... so I do empathise with you, not to mention that I'm hugely relieved to read that you're alive and kicking. Way to go girl!! :)

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    1. How is chemo going? Did you shave your head?? I have found with each step in my journey, the anticipation was the worst part! You will get through this and look back and realize HOW truly strong you are!! I consider my scars my battle wounds and am proud of them because it shows that I have won! Sorry it took me so long to get back to you! Well wishes in your journey of kicking cancers ass!

      Em C

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    2. Oh, I never read your reply! I should have ticked the "notify me" box. The worst chemo is over now and I find Taxol much easier. Don't feel sick at all.
      But I'm so fed up with the hair loss. I find that really difficult to deal with.
      How are you doing now? I guess you're still in hospital with the reconstruction. Are you happy with it? Hope to read you soon. Take care! :) x
      Hugs, K

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    3. Every step of this stupid cancer process is a pain in the butt! I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with the hair loss. I had my moments as well. Are you diggin' wearing more scarves, wigs or hats? I LOVED my skull caps and scarves. I kinda miss them now that my hairs growing back in....they helped with my "bad hair days" lol

      I'm doing pretty good. I went home the same day as my reconstruction surgery. I'm sore and really tired, but healing every day! I'm loving my new foobs, my plastic surgeon is amazing!

      Stay strong and stay positive and realize this is only a small snippit in your life, but by you doing this you will live a LONG, beautiful life! hugs!

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    4. Dear Emily, so good to read you! I'm so happy for you that you are nearing the end of the process.
      I don't like either. No scarves, no hats, no wigs. I just want my hair back. Nothing like a good head of hair.
      I've just about had it with my lopsidedness too and I can't wait for my reconstruction surgery. But first I need to have the radiation therapy. Have you been through that yet?

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    5. Exactly! Nothing like a good head of hair! You will get there soon enough! I think it was about the last month especially I was SO over my expanders!! I didn't go through radiation. My doctors were comfortable with just chemo and I also had genetic testing done which they found that I have a gene mutation (TP53 aka Li Fraumeni). Having that I cannot have any high doses of radiation otherwise it will almost guarantee me getting another cancer. I've heard from other people who have had radiation that it takes longer to find a parking spot then the actual treatment and they typically get really tired and get sun burned-like around the area. :)

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    6. In other words, it has been confirmed about the Li Fraumeni? :( I read there was some speculation on that point. I'm sorry, I would have hoped your doctor was wrong.
      My chemo ends 16 October. A mythical date almost. I have this feeling like it's my okay date to start living again. God I hope we never have to go through this again. You look so healthy with your new hair, ready for a brand new start. Xxx

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    7. Katerine,

      How are your treatments and how is life? I hope things are going well for you! I am still interested in reading your blog, although you've gone private with it. I forgot your email address if you want to send me a request? ecarriveau@yahoo.com Happy 2015 fellow warrior!

      Em C

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear that. It's really difficult and really unwanted to be hit by such a condition in that way, and at that point in your life. The least you can do is to press on with what you have and the remaining will in your heart and mind. If it helps, there are therapies and strategies around that can complement that will and drive and help grow some of your hair back. However, you're right. That is only temporary. Everything will soon be fine. Just believe and have faith.

    Glenn Lowe @ Knight and Sanders

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    1. Thank you!! I finished chemo January 2nd, and my hair has been growing like a weed ever since! I massaged my head a lot and took biotin so I believe that helped a ton!! Thank you for reading!

      Em C

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  5. I was scared when I found out that I had cancer. I took my chemo treatments. Then when I took my second set of chemo treatment my hair started to fall out. I was upset and I cried. So I went to my beautician and told her to shave the rest of it off. I couldn't watch her shave it off.I closed my eyes. I had one person laugh at me because I had no hair. I no longer talk to her. All I have to say is to Stay Strong. And I hope everything goes well for you.

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