The 5% Moments....

It's so funny how you can think that you have everything in order and think that you are in control of your life, until the rug gets pulled out from under you.  A few days ago I opened up about my breast cancer.  I opened up about the whirlwind of emotions the hubs and I were feeling when our lives were completely turned upside down by one phone call.  One stinking phone call.

About 95% of the time I am strong and extremely positive about what was going on and the other 5% is spent being a crying mess.  Half of my work week is spent working solo, and Friday night was one of those.  I wanted to be informed and was researching about breast cancer.  WRONG MOVE.  All researching did was scare the hell out of me.  My mind was racing of all the different ways this could go: mastectomy, lumpectomy, six weeks of radiation, being out of work for who knows how long, having enough sick time, money coming in, bills, chemo, the possibility of my chances of not being able to have kids of my own, or the worst outcome, not surviving...which led to a lot of tears and fear.  The next morning, once I got out of work I was better and went over to my moms to get some moral support...and coffee.  We sat outside, enjoyed the beautiful weather and drank some coffee and I went home because the hubs and I were planning on making the most of our three days off together.  

Then my 5% moment came back again when I was alone, driving home and I started crying again and all the same questions were running through my mind, and through tears just kept yelling, "why me?", "who did I piss off to deserve this?", "why me, why me, why me?" I really didn't know where the tears were coming from, maybe just feeling really alone, but all I knew was that I wanted to be home with my wonderful husband because he always knows what to say and even if he doesn't, just him being by me makes me feel safe.

Then ANOTHER 5% moment, I turned into a hot mess again and just started crying...and not just a little bit, I was crying so hysterically that I really couldn't breathe.  I really missed my grandma and wished that she could be here to light a fire under my ass and I was so scared that I couldn't sleep and just needed to keep my mind busy with other things going on so I could feel "normal" again.  The lingering thoughts of all the possibilities are always there, but I tried to keep a smile on my face because I hate worrying my family and friends.  So with puffy, red eyes we woke up, said "screw it" and decided to make the most of it.

My mom and her boyfriend had planned a cookout at their house to keep all of our minds off of all the current and impending stress that we have and will deal with, along with my Monday appointment with the "dream team" to go over all my options and what they recommend I do.  

Saturday night was wonderful, tasty food and great company.  I only had one "5% moment" when I was looking around, seeing everyone laughing and talking to each other and I thought, "wow, it seems like all of these people don't have a care in the world, just happy-go-lucky" and at that exact moment, I must have been zoning out, when the hubs looked at me and asked if everything was OK....and I my eyes welled up with tears.  I ran off, followed by the hubs and I started crying.  What I love most about him is he is my rock, when I'm down he always brings me up.  The hubs said, "Emily, everyone here is extremely stressed by this situation and if anything they feel worse because they feel helpless and would do anything to take this from you".  A hug and a kiss later and I was feeling much better.

I guess in that moment I felt alone and was having self pity.  I know that at that very moment there are women and men going through much worse then myself, but it's hard when I think that just a couple weeks before this was the last thing that I EVER thought would happen to me.

Sunday, the hubs and I had a realization that the best decision for us is a double mastectomy.  Life and attitude changing.

So fast forward to Monday, June 17th, 2013 at 8:30AM: My meeting with the Oncologist, Radiologist, Surgeon and a Genetic Counselor.  I went into the meeting more confident then I had thought I was going to be.  About 2 1/2 hours later, some blood work for a bunch of tests and the genetic counseling, along with a bunch of future appointments scheduled and I was out of there feeling SO good!

Next step is a meeting with a plastic surgeon on Friday then possibly some other tests, waiting for the genetic counseling and getting cleared for surgery.  The projected time for the surgery is in approximately 3-4 weeks and I can't wait!

Like I said above with how you can think that everything is in order and you think you are in TOTAL control of you life, then the rug gets pulled out from under you.  Yes the rug was pulled out and after I cried on and off for a while, I picked myself up, brushed myself off and retook control of my life!!!

I have some appointments this week, but I'm so excited that there is progress being made! Oh how attitudes can change as quickly as the weather!

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